Taking Action

When writing from close points of view, particularly first-person narration, it’s important to distinguish (in the author’s head) the differences between conscious motions and unconscious or involuntary movements.

 Voluntary, deliberate motions: the character decides to do these, and controls the action. They are aware that they are doing these things.

-I brushed the hair out of my eyes with my right hand. 

-I carefully set one foot in front of the other, cautiously advancing, testing my weight on the creaking planks of the rickety bridge.

-I wash my face.

-I cough discretely to draw his attention.

Involuntary, conscious motions: The character has little or no control over these, but is consciously observing them. The motions have drawn the attention of the character.

-After running the last hundred yards to catch the bus, my chest is heaving as I catch my breath.

-The wind was whipping my hair around.

-There’s a sudden bang! that causes me to jump out of my skin.

-My teeth are chattering, and I have goosebumps. I should have worn a thicker coat.

-I trip on the cat and crash into the doorframe.

Unconscious actions: The character is not aware of doing this, so would not describe it themselves in real time unless someone or something else draws it to their attention.

-Lost in my thoughts, I hadn’t noticed how far I’d walked until the crunching of gravel under my feet brought me back to my surroundings. Good thing too: I’d left the road and was about to step off a cliff.

-I suddenly feel a sharp pain in my hand and look down. I’ve shattered my glass. Water, broken glass, and now a few drops of blood, are making a mess on the floor.

-She puts her hand firmly on mine, and I realize that I’ve been drumming my fingers on the table. I stop. She gives my hand a parting squeeze, then resumes her work.

-“Your breathing is so loud!”

“Is it? I didn’t know.” I listened, but it didn’t seem very loud to me.

Be cognizant of the different levels of consciousness a person has about what they’re doing. For instance, although walking is a conscious motion, once a person has mastered it they rarely put any thought to it, unless there’s a specific need. If they wouldn’t be thinking about it, why would they narrate about it?

When the phone rang, I walked across the room to answer it. “Yello?”

This is pretty boring, and the reader might well wonder why the character is bothering to tell them. Maybe it’s unnecessary, and that phrase can be taken out:

The phone rang. I answered. “Yello?”

Or maybe there is a reason to describe the journey across the room, that makes it more interesting or advances the plot:

The phone rang. Could it be …? I negotiated my may across the room littered with hazards to the unwary—Lego blocks, spilled cheerios, something that I think used to be a ribbon, before the cat got it—racing to get to it before it went to voicemail.

Or

When the phone rang, I knew I had to answer, despite my fear. Each step was an effort as I made myself traverse the room.

Or

The phone rang. I was leaping over the couch to get it when I got tangled up in the afghan, fell and banged my head on the coffee table. Apparently I lay there stunned for a while, because when I next looked at my watch, it was ten o’clock. That’s why I missed the train, and was late for my interview.

Make sure that when you’re narrating in first person POV, actions that you describe display the appropriate level of thought. If the action is something that the character is doing unconsciously, then they won’t notice it to describe. If it’s something they’re consciously doing, give the character the agency. Give them the credit for having made the decision and execution of the action.

I brushed my hair out of my face.  <— This is active. The character is in control.

  vs.            

I watched in the mirror as my hand brushed my hair out of my face.  <— This is passive.

It reads like the character has no control over their hand and is just observing. Unless there’s a good reason for them not to be in control (have they been possessed?), phrase deliberate actions as active.

What do you think?

*Photo by Szymon Fischer, through Unsplash